Iceberg Mentality

The inevitable crashing of life’s currents. Breathlessness, heart-wrenching time suspension. Love is both incredible and unfortunate. Weeding out the ones who make unnecessary waves is something like massive torture, and also quite relieving.

Loving people and having relationships is a good way to learn a great deal about one’s self. However, the translation of unfortunate events can muddy the results.

I have been through what feels like enough failed relationships to make a semi-sturdy conclusion on this unavoidable occurrence.

My conclusion thus far is this: to love greatly, love others no matter the circumstance; but also remember religiously that such relationships come and go, and none of them are obligated to be permanent.

On many occasions, people find suitable partners early on in life and it is good or even great. Some marriages fail, some last entire lives. However, for the section of people who have not fallen upon such a “lucky” endeavor early on in life, the wait is a crucial and a potentially toxic period of one’s life. Coping with such a weird, lonely existence can be draining and may mask itself as a lost purpose.

There are many ways to perceive being single, but I feel there are two obvious distinctions: the ones who genuinely enjoy the freedom and find it a thrilling experience; and the ones who become lonely and slowly lose themselves in not having a partner.

I am the latter, if that wasn’t apparent. Loneliness and instinctual defense mechanisms battle their way into my life, the mixture is an exchange much like sticking swords into my own back. Misery at its finest.

However, the misery is created and when one is aware of such personal sabotage, one can begin to enjoy their own company.

I am a do-er. When my brain gets bored, my impulse is to do something about it. The urge may drive me to steadily tap my foot, or bite my nails, or clean up around the apartment, or to organize. Or maybe even to do something mindless, such as binge watch TV, listen to music, play video games, or stare into the pits of Facebook.

This urge, when a relationship is applied, is to do more. For satisfaction, for their happiness, for our future. The drive is intense and short-lived when the relationship becomes sour.

Having received a decent amount of lemons in my lifetime, I’ve started to notice this pattern of mine. Was it my decision making, or was it the people themselves? Should I not care about anyone, or should I endlessly search for someone to spark my potential?

Clearly there has to be a middle path. To not expect would be fighting human nature, however lowering expectations greatly is a start to an incredibly different perspective. To not expect would be to let go of control. Letting go of controlling life’s ups and downs, and letting go of what “should be” or “could have been.” Letting go of controlling who stays in one’s life and who goes. It is exhausting to think one has the power and strength to make every situation happen as planned. It’s a spiral that leads to disappointment and an unsatisfactory quality of life.

The ideal perspective would be to let people and things come and go, and to not fight, resist, or deny what currents life dishes out. To learn from every experience seems impossible, but to truly understand letting go of control would be to trust that ones current is headed in the right direction. And that each struggle is inevitable and the reason is indeterminable. To make sense of every hurtle would drive one to insanity. But to understand that you do not have to know the reason for every struggle is the cushion that is releasing the unnecessary, personally assigned responsibility that is the irrational belief that controlling life’s current is even possible.

It is this understanding, that I have recently began to grasp, that is opening my eyes to the belief that I can be alone and be genuinely happy without a significant other. That the failed relationships were not without purpose, but to teach me this very lesson.

To introduce significant change in perspective is exhausting and incredibly rewarding.

To understand life is unnecessary. The point is to just live it. To enjoy it, get the most out of it, and to not let doubt or fear stop any progress. To have a whole life to achieve anything, and just sit back and wait for someone to light the way, is the best way to sour each and every day. There is no candle, the light is not able to be viewed or speculated. To know the way, or path, ahead of yourself, you must be willing to trust in yourself and also trust in life’s intentions.

“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.” -Theodore Roosevelt

“The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go of the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty.” -Seneca

“To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clingings and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit.” -Jack Kornfield

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” -Jan Glidewell


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